Without words.

Sometimes, I feel without words, but then I find them.  At least in writing.  But since we got the pump, I've really been without them.  Completely unable to find them. Not entirely sure I've found them still, but don't want too much time to pass in case I forget....apologies in advance for what is sure to be a jumbled mishmosh of words.

Turning the pump on was equally liberating and terrifying.  There were some things about using the pump that I didn't understand, in terms of how tightly we would be able to control blood sugar.  The device is intuitive but extremely complex. We had near perfect blood sugars for the first two days... between 85 and 100.  No shots was (is) bliss.

We turned on the pump on Tuesday and we had our next check up on Thursday for a site change and some adjustments...though her blood sugars were great and level, they were on the low side. So we tweaked her carb ratio to increase her sugars slightly.  So nothing was amiss on Friday when her sugars were higher -- though they were higher than I expected.

The pump makes you brave with food -- it's easier to eat different things, and eat more naturally.  New foods (new carb foods) were unknowns.  So nothing was unexpected when her blood sugars coasted higher.

By 2 am, we were above 300.  We talked strategy, checked ketones (negative) decided to bolus (give insulin) and regroup in the morning.  By morning she had climbed about 370.  No ketones (whew).  Decided to change site. Just as we were finishing this, Hannah said she didn't feel well.  She passed out and hit her head twice on the way done.

My instinct was to give her juice -- she had a sip before I snapped back and remembered we were dealing with a high.  It just happened so fast.  Quickly gave her a large dose of insulin to bring her back in range.  The nurse and later the doc said juice was still the right instinct...while highs are a drag, it's severe lows that are the danger.  We spent the next day and a half trying to right her blood sugar.

Unnerving.  When her sugars started to bounce back up, Hannah and I both were starting to wonder if we'd made a good decision about going on pump.

We've had a bit of trouble with the pump staying connected.  Fell out a few nights later while she slept, though I think we caught it fast.  Fell out on the last day of school. Thankfully Han is a trouper with site  changes.

Yesterday took the cake in terms of weird.  Han was at Jim's and called because they were having issues with the site change.  The pump didn't seem to be working correctly with refilling canister.  We talked through it, and then decided site was set and we should be fine.  She climbed all day, apparently, and called when she was over 400.  Went to change out the canister of insulin....and it was EMPTY.  No wetness anywhere.  No alarm about low insulin.  No clue what happened.  Ah well, she survived.  Just crazy, crazy, crazy sometimes.

The pump makes this so much easier, but in some ways it is complicated.  Easier to forget.  More control with Hannah, trickier to oversee.  Frustrating in that much of the learning just takes time.  Patience....never my long suit.

We're done with school now.  For the first time, I don't have a plan.  I've got the kids (mostly) covered for 2 weeks, and then no plan.  It leaves me with a vomitous feeling. And yet, I can't figure out what to do. Diabetes really forces you to stay in the moment, and I can surrender to that....but it also leaves me with an underlying tension. I can't seem to work more than 24 hours in advance.  I'm sure it'll sort out and be fine, but the tension is wearing me thin.

More to come, enough for now.