I think it finally hit me yesterday...

I think it finally hit me yesterday... that I am tired.

I went to the diabetes support group Thursday night and cried all the way home, cried all night and cried all the way to work.  The meeting in and of itself was fine...mostly a planning meeting for the group rather than what I would traditionally think of as a support group.  But the women who were there...they were tired.  TIRED.  Beyond exhausted.  They are years into this and they still have questions and feel isolated and have crazy blood sugars and issues with schools....and...and...and...

After diagnosis, I was told it would take about a year to level off.  And I held it together, unsure of how I would pull this off for a year, but at least I knew what to expect.  To see these women, though....it really decimated any remote sense of hope I'd been clinging to.  Expectations and sense of new normal are going to need to be renegotiated.

A few more weeks and we'll be on the pump.  The bright side is that at least this will remove shots from our lives.  Even if everything else is still crazy, at least we won't have shots too.

What surprised me is that once I started crying, I haven't much been able to stop.  Delayed reaction perhaps.  What I wouldn't give for a few days in which I could not have to think about this -- but also not feel pressured to catch up on work or home stuff.  But then I think of Hannah who will never get a day off and I feel pretty crummy for wishing for respite.  But I do.  I do wish for a bit of a break -- and not the one in 7 years when she goes to college. :)