Adjustment...

In some ways, diabetes is a return to the types of questions and uncertainty of parenting that surrounded our divorce.

If Hannah has a meltdown - to what degree is it because of or excused by diabetes?  How soon should we expect certain things of her?  How do we parent so that Hannah does not find diabetes to be her fail-proof trump card in any situation? How do we coach her to be stronger rather than fall victim to what's going on -- but still have empathy and be present with what she is feeling? How do we keep Cody from becoming the lost child? And how do we manage this across two houses, with grace.

All things considered, we're all doing so well.  But the questions and the uncertainty and the newness and constant evolution of it all is wearing me thin.  When I listen to parents of T1D kids saying it'll level in a year, I lose my breath and have a silent panic attack -- not entirely sure I can make it through the day. The constant focus and attention on just executing our day - 3 meals, 1 snack, school, homework, basic activities, bathing (sometimes), bedtime...I know [I KNOW!!!] it will calm and gradually get better.  In a month this will be easier and in two months even more so.  But as I face down the reality that we've really just begun...that I haven't read more than 2 chapters of a book on diabetes...that I'm so upside down at work that I feel ill, that we're just moving out of crisis mode and into trying to find our way.....I wonder where the strength comes from.  How stuff gets done.  How I think about things beyond the rote mechanics of feeding Hannah and managing her blood sugar and begin to see progress in other areas too.

It's all a very, very odd place to be.